So remember that one time when I was going to take the “Unprocessed October” challenge? Yeah. So a week ago exactly, I broke my ankle. I was at a book discussion that I had been looking forward to for a long time. The book? We Are Not Ourselves, by Matthew Thomas. Discussion was held at the Barnes and Noble at The Grove in LA- not only with the book’s author, but also with Misha Collins. I was so excited to go and it did not disappoint. I really enjoyed the book, I was surrounded by my people (AKA Supernatural fans, minions, GISHWHES participants, etc.), I made some new friends, and it was a blast. Unfortunately, after a bathroom break halfway through, I tripped over some toys that were strewn across an aisle and twisted my ankle. Possibly the nerdiest way to fracture something, ever.
I stayed until the end anyway (of course), got my book signed by Thomas and my picture taken with Misha, then we left. At that point, I knew it wasn’t just a sprain. So my sister and I stopped by urgent care. Fractured. I spent my entire childhood up trees and bike riding across town and I never broke a single bone. In the past year, I have broken a thumb, and now this. It is a lovely reminder that I am no longer young, and also that I am out of shape. I should not break a goddamn bone anytime I fall down. It is infuriating.
Anyway, here is the point. I am greatly dependent on other people to help me and I can’t really cook, so unprocessed October has kind of gone out the window. I never knew how frustrating and painful it is to break a limb… I feel like people on TV make it look easy. It hurts to try to do anything but you die of boredom if you don’t try. I know it would be easier if I were in shape, but I have a sneaking suspicion it is balls regardless. The helplessness, the frustration… I have so much respect for people who live with this sort of thing permanently. Because I have also been reminded of how weak I am when faced with setbacks. The last couple of days I have felt so much rage- at all times I have been like a toddler on the verge of a temper tantrum. I hate being in pain, I hate being off balance, I hate not being able to bathe efficiently, I hate the feeling that other people don’t understand that it’s actually fucking difficult, and I hate needing help.
I know that so many people have it worse and this is not that big of a deal and blah blah blah but none of that makes me feel any less shitty. At night I can’t help but think if someone were to break in I would be completely fucking helpless. This is compounded by the fact that the phone and internet are currently out, and my iPhone has no reception here. I am all alone in the middle of nowhere and now I feel the vulnerability of that. Did I mention I hate this?? I know that they say that life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans, but I reserve the right to be pissed off by that.
I have a job interview in 2 days that I hope goes well. I will put my happy face on and do my best, but all I want to do is sulk at home. I know I need to keep some perspective here, but honestly I just want to hulk-smash something. My depression monster is always lurking in the corner, waiting to make another appearance. It’s trying so hard to take over right now and I’m having a really difficult time pushing against it. I’ve been doing so well lately but it’s starting to feel like rolling a boulder up a hill. I’ll keep fighting but it feels pretty pointless.
The fragility of human existence can suck my taint. At least my cast is purple.