Life, You Fickle Bitch

Horses are gullible

So remember that one time when I was going to take the “Unprocessed October” challenge? Yeah. So a week ago exactly, I broke my ankle. I was at a book discussion that I had been looking forward to for a long time. The book? We Are Not Ourselves, by Matthew Thomas. Discussion was held at the Barnes and Noble at The Grove in LA- not only with the book’s author, but also with Misha Collins. I was so excited to go and it did not disappoint. I really enjoyed the book, I was surrounded by my people (AKA Supernatural fans, minions, GISHWHES participants, etc.), I made some new friends, and it was a blast. Unfortunately, after a bathroom break halfway through, I tripped over some toys that were strewn across an aisle and twisted my ankle. Possibly the nerdiest way to fracture something, ever.

I stayed until the end anyway (of course), got my book signed by Thomas and my picture taken with Misha, then we left. At that point, I knew it wasn’t just a sprain. So my sister and I stopped by urgent care. Fractured. I spent my entire childhood up trees and bike riding across town and I never broke a single bone. In the past year, I have broken a thumb, and now this. It is a lovely reminder that I am no longer young, and also that I am out of shape. I should not break a goddamn bone anytime I fall down. It is infuriating.

Anyway, here is the point. I am greatly dependent on other people to help me and I can’t really cook, so unprocessed October has kind of gone out the window. I never knew how frustrating and painful it is to break a limb… I feel like people on TV make it look easy. It hurts to try to do anything but you die of boredom if you don’t try. I know it would be easier if I were in shape, but I have a sneaking suspicion it is balls regardless. The helplessness, the frustration… I have so much respect for people who live with this sort of thing permanently. Because I have also been reminded of how weak I am when faced with setbacks. The last couple of days I have felt so much rage- at all times I have been like a toddler on the verge of a temper tantrum. I hate being in pain, I hate being off balance, I hate not being able to bathe efficiently, I hate the feeling that other people don’t understand that it’s actually fucking difficult, and I hate needing help.

I know that so many people have it worse and this is not that big of a deal and blah blah blah but none of that makes me feel any less shitty. At night I can’t help but think if someone were to break in I would be completely fucking helpless. This is compounded by the fact that the phone and internet are currently out, and my iPhone has no reception here. I am all alone in the middle of nowhere and now I feel the vulnerability of that. Did I mention I hate this?? I know that they say that life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans, but I reserve the right to be pissed off by that.

I have a job interview in 2 days that I hope goes well. I will put my happy face on and do my best, but all I want to do is sulk at home. I know I need to keep some perspective here, but honestly I just want to hulk-smash something. My depression monster is always lurking in the corner, waiting to make another appearance. It’s trying so hard to take over right now and I’m having a really difficult time pushing against it. I’ve been doing so well lately but it’s starting to feel like rolling a boulder up a hill. I’ll keep fighting but it feels pretty pointless.

The fragility of human existence can suck my taint. At least my cast is purple.


About destielruinedmylife

Bios written in the third person weird me out. You are writing your own bio and we all know it. I am a single female person living in Southern California. I've traveled a whole lot. I am overly invested in more fictional characters than any grown-ass adult should be. I've wanted to marry Raistlin Majere ever since I was 12 and if you know who that is, it should tell you everything you need to know about my romantic choices as well as the depth of my nerdiness. I love being an Aunt. Tacos are the best food. I love rap music. I am still mad about Firefly being cancelled. I've run out of things to say. Bring me tacos.
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s