Oh man, could I write about a thousand paragraphs on my fucked up relationship with food and alcohol. It would fill a novel. I won’t do that- mainly because I’m tired of writing about it- but also because it doesn’t matter. I’ve tried that way. I’ve tried writing about it, I’ve tried applying logic in the vein of “I did it before I can do it again” (which is bullshit on the face of it, because I am not the same person I used to be), I’ve tried hating myself, I’ve tried accepting myself as is. None of it has helped. While it seems the last one should have, it didn’t because the simple truth is that I feel sluggish, exhausted, and uncomfortable. I am not fine the way I am. This is not me bitching about weight gain or not fitting into clothes. I know many people who fit into the category of overweight who are in good shape and are healthy (and beautiful) the way they are. I am not one of those people. I must do this in order to stop feeling like garbage, physically. I need to take better care of this meat-suit I’m in, as it is the only one I will be getting.
What matters is not that I obsess over my ups and downs and feel miserable about how much more fit and healthy I used to be, but that I accept this person that I am in this moment and try to improve her life. That may sound cheesy but on the other hand I and most of the women I know are so hung up on punishing ourselves and feeling self-conscious that not even a moment of life can pass where that shame is not clinging to the back of our minds like a nasty spiderweb. It’s a shitty, terrible way to go through life and I wish our entire society didn’t conspire to cause it from the moment we are ejected from the womb. Even though I am working to improve myself, I need to remember that falling into that trap is part of what causes the unhealthy habits to begin with.
So in the interest of trying to create better habits, I am taking this pledge for October. It is one of many similar things I could do, but it helps to have a place to go and find encouragement and recipes and this seems as good a place as any.
Wish me luck my friends.